(This isn’t the girl from this story, but I didn’t want to use a photo of her. Oh and she wasn’t an amputee either, but that would have been cool)

Let’s go back in time to the Winter of 2006. I was staying in Pensacola, Florida for about 2 months with my friend Evan Butts. I had moved to NYC a year earlier and wanted to spend the Winter in a warm climate, so Pensacola it was. There’s not a lot to do in Western Florida, and I didn’t have anything to do anyway so I pretty much rode by myself every day, hung out at Barnes & Noble reading books and then went and rode more with Evan when he got off of work. I wasn’t Straight Edge anymore at that point but I wasn’t really into drinking yet and Evan had a girlfriend so I didn’t have anyone to really go out and party with or anything. I put in some work meeting girls on Myspace though and managed to succeed once or twice.

The most notable success story was in the form of “Diana” (this isn’t her real name and I actually do have photos of this girl since we’re Facebook friends, but I’ll respect her privacy). She had been talking to me on Myspace for a while and lived about 2 hours away. One night I convinced her to drive to Pensacola to hang out. She showed up and she was alright looking. Super short and kinda odd looking, but still pretty. She asked what I wanted to do and I knew from lurking her comments that she was REALLY into drinking wine, so I said we should go get some and drink it. The thing was that it was like 11 PM in a total shithole town and I had no idea where the bars were even located, so she suggested we go to Walmart down the street and just buy wine there and drink it at Evan’s house. Fuck yeah.

So we go there and I let her pick out some 8 dollar bottle of wine or whatever and I remember I also bought a big ass bag of Double Stuff Oreos too for some reason. So we go back to her house and start drinking. I had never really drank much before honestly, I didn’t tell her that though and I had only ever drank beer previously so I had no idea how much stronger wine is. I was drinking at a pretty fast rate and before I knew it, I was wasted and downing Oreos at the speed of light.

We finished the wine and I was pretty fucked, so we crawl into bed. I was honestly too fucked up to make a move. Once she figured that out, she crawled on top of me and started kissing me, started stroking my rock-hard blogging ass dick and things went from there. I was apparently too drunk to remember to use a condom. Bad idea, but y’know, shit happens. She apparently didn’t object. I was so drunk that I couldn’t control myself or push her off of me when I was about to bust, so that shit went up into her while she was on top of me. So then she says to me “okay I want you to get on top of me” and I was like “uh, I don’t think I can do that”. She was like “OMFG you finished?” and I said sorry. She was kinda pissed but said it wasn’t that big a deal because she was on the pill, but that she had been fucking up taking it lately. She said she’d get the morning after pill.

I fell asleep and she left early in the morning. My kind of girl. Evan came into the room a few hours later at like 10 AM and asked if I wanted to go ride the skatepark with him and his friends. I said that I did, and he was pretty shocked. In retrospect I have no idea what motivated me to do this. I rarely go riding as early as 10 AM even when I’m not completely hungover, and I am normally not very enthusiastic about riding skateparks, but I went.

Now, as a side note I have to point that I have a pretty big head. Not my penis head, dude, my cranium. Like seriously in high school my girlfriend and I at the time measured our heads with a piece of string and a tape measure and my head measured twice as big around the forehead as hers. If I wear a fitted hat, I have to buy an 8″ which they don’t even sell in most stores, and even those are usually pretty tight. Basically I have a really big head. I’m cool with it, just saying. So of course, when it comes to wearing a helmet, that’s difficult too. I was wearing a rental helmet from the skatepark and even though it fit on my head just barely after tearing out some of the padding, the strap wouldn’t fit under my chin so I just left it dangling.

I don’t remember much else about the skatepark session but I know I did an icepick grind to barspin on a flat ledge and was feeling pretty good about that (it’s weird to even think about that now because I’m such shit at barspins now and don’t even bother trying them). So I was just messing around doing a manual 180 over this pyramid thing. It was maybe 5 feet high, your average pyramid, and somehow when I went to 180, either my pants got stuck in my chain or something happened that caused me to fall back from the top of the pyramid to flat. My helmet went flying since it wasn’t strapped, and my head struck the ground super hard (if you were to watch me ride these days, you’d probably notice that I never 180 into anything steep and am super cautious about doing fakie tricks on steep banks, because of this fall).

I got a concussion. I don’t remember much about it obviously, but I know that I came to surrounded by all the other riders and the little kids at the park all staring at me. Evan said that I seemed fine at first and just got up and went and sat down on the side of the park. He had to go to work anyway so he got me a few minutes later and we got in this car, so he could drop me off back at the house. At that point we started having this conversation:

“Hey so did I hit my head?”

“Uh… yeah.”

“Doing what?”

“A manual 180″

“Pffh… Brian Wizmerski.”

(30 second pause)

“Hey so did I hit my head?”

“Are you serious?”

“What?”

He then realized that I had a pretty serious concussion and he brought me to the hospital. I kept asking him what happened and kept saying “Brian Wizmerski” over and over for the next few hours while we sat in the hospital waiting for me to get my brain X-rayed. I called my mom like 10 times too and kept telling her what happened and she was freaking out because she thought I had become a retard or something. I even called Diana and was like “Yo, what’s up? Evan says that we banged last night, isn’t that crazy???” She wasn’t stoked. Evan eventually had to take my phone away.

Ultimately the doctor told me that I was fine and that I should just get lots of rest and that I’d be alright. They also billed me 6000 dollars, which I never paid, which partially explains why my credit score is total shit.

My memory was seriously fucked for a couple days. I went home and added my ex-girlfriend on Myspace, who I hadn’t talked to for over a year. I started playing Omaha (a type of poker that I don’t know ANYTHING about) for money online. I remember the next day I woke up at 4 AM and rode my bike to a fast food restaurant, ate a sandwich and watched Saved By The Bell on a TV there for like 2 hours. I was fucked.

Anyway that all went away and I felt fine again a few days later.

Fast forward 5 months and I’m back in NYC doing my thing as usual. I had only talked to Diana a few times here and there, but I was friends with her on Livejournal so I knew that she had been on tour with some band for a few weeks and had gotten really sick and had to go home early from the tour. She IMs me one day and says:

“Hey, can I call you in a few hours? I have to talk to you about something serious”

Immediately all the possible scenarios started running through my head. They were, in this order:

“Holy fuck, she’s pregnant”
“Holy FUCK, she’s got herpes”
“HOLY FUCK SHE HAS AIDS”

So I responded:

“No. Tell me. Now. What is it.”

She informed me that she had just had an abortion a few days earlier.

I was stoked. I mean granted, yeah, that sucks for her, but fuck it man I didn’t have a kid and I wasn’t going to die of AIDS. I didn’t even have to pay for it!

But then I started thinking… wait, that was like 5 months ago? Isn’t it illegal to have an abortion that late? She said that that’s true, but that she had found a doctor who was willing to do it anyway. I asked how she had not noticed a baby growing in her for 5 months and she said that she had been partying, drinking and smoking heavily and that it must have been super under-weight and that she just thought she was getting fat.

I didn’t really know what to say after that. I had dodged a bullet. Never in my life did I think that a baby created from my sperm lying dead in a garbage can would make me so happy, but I was fucking stoked. Some people have a moral objection to abortion and will probably find this story disgusting, but I am definitely not one of them. I told my roommate and we went down the street and I treated him to an ice cream (no homo) to celebrate the dead baby.

I could end the story there, but there’s more. I mean kinda.

So fast forward another couple years. This dude who lived down the street from me and was into BMX and hardcore hit me up and he wanted to start lifting weights with me (do I need to no homo this incredibly gay scenario I’m describing here?), so we met up and started training regularly. Eventually he ended up telling me about this band that he had been in a year or two before. I immediately recognized the name of the band. Even though I’d never heard them, it was the band Diana had been on tour with. I was like:

“Woah! That’s crazy. There’s this chick I knocked up that went on tour with that band, you must know her.”

He was like:

“Oh shit no, I didn’t go on that tour, I had quit the band before that tour. But I remember them talking about that girl, I’ll tell the other dudes who were in the band about it man, they’ll think it’s crazy.”

So he reports back to his friend who played guitar in the band, and the dude tells him that Diana never went on tour with them. They had played her town and then gave her a ride to a show 2 hours away the next day. That’s it.

So she lied about it. Not hard to believe, girls make up all kinds of shit. But my question for you is, if she would lie about going on tour with that band, would she lie about being pregnant just to freak me out and get some attention? There are numerous unlikely factors about the story. First off, she was supposed to be on the pill. But the pill isn’t 100%, so that’s not conclusive. The idea that she went 5 months without noticing she was pregnant is also pretty weird, but I’ve heard about shit like that happening. And the idea that she was able to get a late term abortion is also kind of interesting, but it’s certainly possible.

So was my first born murdered in an underground Florida abortion lab? I don’t know. I’ll never know. But it sure is a weird story.