For this surfed bean I want to go back in time to 2004 right after I moved to NYC. This chick in the story was actually the first girl I hooked up with after moving to NYC. And she was a fucking cunt.

I met her at Union Square. If you don’t know, Union Square is public park in NYC on 14th street where all types of people hang out at all times. During the day there’s usually a ton of dudes selling crafts, art, shirts etc then at night there’s usually a million BMXers, skateboarders, drug addicts etc sitting around doing nothing. When I first moved to NYC I didn’t really know many people so I’d go there nearly every night on my bike to ride a little and hang out with the locals. Union isn’t the best place to meet girls, since NYC girls are the least friendly humans on earth and riding a little bike isn’t the best way to attract them, but we’d try and do that sometimes too.

One night there were these 2 wack chicks there talking to all the riders and I started conversating with the more attractive of the two. The first one, whose name I can’t remember but for now I’ll just call uh… “Brit”, was of average height, average build and had a below average face. Pretty much everything about her was average besides her personality, which was fucking horrible. Girl seriously just exuded shittiness, everything that came out of her mouth just made you want to hit her. Her friend was a big fat cow. She might have been of average height but she was huge. A real gigantic blob of a person. And much like her more attractive friend, she had an absolutely horrible personality.

I didn’t care though because I was young, dumb and ready to get my first ass in NYC. I started talking to Brit and eventually convinced her to take me back to her place which was a few blocks away from Union. While that was going on, my friend Joe was chatting up the fat one (Brit and her were roommates) so he came with me to their apartment.

We walked in and Brit went straight to the bathroom while the fat one went outside onto their patio to smoke a grit. As soon as they were both out of sight, Joe grabbed Brit’s purse, looked inside and pulled 20 bucks out of it. He looked up at me and smiled. I smiled back. I didn’t know Joe too well, but if he was down to party like that, I was down too. Unfortunately there was only one purse, fat slob had hers still with her. But I noticed 25 dollars sitting on their kitchen table with a note saying it was for utilities from one of their other roommates, so I grabbed that. I was really poor at the time. Nowadays, I never really steal, from stores or from people, but at the time I was broke enough that 25 bucks seemed like a REALLY big deal and I was willing to accept the negative cosmic energy.

Brit and the cow came out and we hung out talking for a while. Then Brit and I went back to her room and made out. I was going for the gold trying to touch her vagina and shit, but she told me she wasn’t trying to go there because she was tired and just wanted to cuddle. She rolled over and went to sleep. I kept trying to pry her underwear to the side to touch her clam but she was clamping her legs together while simultaneously pretending to sleep. Fuck. I got up and looked out through her door (there was a small glass window in the door) and saw Joe fingering the fat chick. Yuck. I got back in bed with my sleeping beauty to wait it out for Joe to finish whatever he was doing.

It didn’t take long though, Joe opened the door and asked me what I was doing. He said his girl had decided to go to sleep too. I said I had tried to freak off and that she was now sleeping. He asked why I didn’t just keep trying to freak off anyway and I said that I had tried and failed. He said “fuck that, watch this” and reached between her legs and started fingering her while we both stood there in her room. She was still doing this fake sleep thing and he seriously finger blasted her for a minute or two full throttle while she continued to pretend to sleep. I don’t know what having a vagina feels like exactly but NOBODY could sleep through that, but she didn’t try to stop him, acknowledge it or even react at all. I was pretty shocked, but then we just left.

That was a Thursday. The next day was Friday. A bunch of my friends from New Hampshire were coming in Friday and they wanted to get trashed, but my roommates and I didn’t really have any ideas of what to do so I called Brit. She said she was down to hang so we all headed over there. The dudes I was with identities are kinda important so I’ll run through this real quick:

D: My roommate and mentor at the time. He is awesome. Huge, muscular dude (pause) of black ethnicity who has banged 100+ chicks and is pure evil. Always has a master plan ready to go of how to make money and has no remorse. NOTHING is beyond him. A really good friend to his homies, but when it comes to anyone else he has no morals at all. He is amazing.

Matt: Matt is another friend from NH. Short, stumpy but one of the most witty, hilarious people I’ve ever known. I have never met someone funnier than this dude in my entire life.

Jeff: Jeff doesn’t do anything interesting in this story but he was there, so I’ll at least give him a name.

So we take the train into the city and I call Brit. She tells me to buy beer. So we go buy beer. We go to her house. Everyone starts drinking the beer. The people at her apartment are Brit, fat cow and this blonde chick who was pretty cute. Jeff starts hitting it off with the blonde immediately and within an hour they are in her room freaking off.

Brit, as I said, was a cunt. A really retched bitch of a person. We were all sitting around talking and this conversation actually happens:

Brit: So what do you do?

Matt: I work at a bike shop in New Hampshire.

Brit: Did you go to college?

Matt: No.

Brit: Wow, nice future.

She seriously said that. Matt may not be the higher education type, but he’s also made a pretty alright life for himself in NH. He earns a good amount of money, owns his own condo, has a cat. He’s not rich or anything but he’s definitely not a failure financially and has definitely accomplished more in his life than she had at the time as a 19 year old retarded art student living off her parents.

Now another thing you need to know about D is that he is really into revenge. Like if someone does something to him, he takes it upon himself to do pretty much anything within his power to make them suffer as a result. Matt was already pretty drunk when this girl told him that his life sucked, and he didn’t care, but D doesn’t drink and was MAD. But he’s also a very calm person in stressful situations and just kept quiet and calm. But I could see the gears in his head churning.

Soon Brit and the fatso went outside again to smoke butts and D walked over to her fridge and grabbed a plate of food that was covered in tin foil. I asked what he was doing and he just said follow me. He walked over to the bathroom, peeled back the tin foil and dumped all the food into the toilet. WTF? But I knew where this was going. He dropped his pants and held the plate below his asshole and just unleased a long, curled up turd onto the plate. Then he calmly put it on the floor of the bathroom, wiped his ass, then put the tin foil back over the plate and brought it back to the fridge.

Of course, I was dying laughing the whole time watching this go down (yes, I watched him take a shit and no I don’t really think that’s weird). But I was also pretty astounded. I know D, and I knew that he’s ambitious. He doesn’t just shoplift a bag of candy from the store, he goes in with an empty bag from The Gap and drops the entire case of candy in. So I knew this was going to get bad.

I went out and hung out with Brit and the fat girl for a while longer. They were getting pretty drunk and talking in depth about the dudes in bands that they know. Girls love to do that shit. I could see D milling around inside though, and later I asked him what he did and he said he took their ketchup into the bathroom and peed in it, then mixed it in really good with a knife.

I guess I have to mention that at the time, we were really into carrying tear gas around with us at the time. I had gotten some of it from this dude I knew real cheap and it was serious shit. Way stronger than the stuff you can buy at the store that they expect little old ladies to use on would-be-muggers. On a night like that night, we would bring it with us just in case we had a situation that called for it. So Brit was drinking this Jack and Coke out of a big ass cup and at one point, D pulled his tear gas out of his pocket and just started unloading it into the cup while she had her back turned. I was shocked, this was pretty gnarly even by his standards. I mean the poop and the pissing and everything was pretty bad but this was a whole new level and I was stoked.

She walks back, puts it up to her lips and takes a sip then immediately runs back to the sink and starts puking like crazy. This chick was loud and annoying most of the time so I was kind astounded that her puking was almost silent. She wasn’t doing this as an attention plea, she was just legitimately fucked. She turned around and asked what the fuck had happened, and D just kept denying doing anything. She was convinced he had put fucking PAINT THINNER in her drink like most dudes carry around paint thinner. She kept insisting that one of us try it so we could see what it tasted like and we refused, obviously.

She somehow got over this pretty quick and Matt ended up hooking up with the fat chick. I was still out in the living room with D and Brit and Matt went into her room with her. After like 15 minutes I cracked the door open and saw him with his head buried in this sea monster’s cunt eating her out. YUCK.

I ended up taking Brit into her room and we hooked up. Nothing too notable went down except she started saying while we were having sex, “You should be my boyfriend. Even if it’s just tonight, you’re my boyfriend, right?” Uhhh yeah okay. I seriously tasted the lingering tear gas when we kissed too so I kept that to a minimum. Anyway we finished and she fell asleep immediately. I went back into the living room and I creeped out to see what Matt was doing. It was like 30 minutes later and I opened the door and he was still in exactly the same position eating her out. Opening the door twice and seeing the exact same digusting site hit me as an extra hard LOL moment.

I woke up in the morning to the sound of her getting out of bed. She walked over to the fridge and I listened as she opened it, sniffed and then said “I think the power must have went out and all the food went bad”. Oh man. I quickly put on my jeans, gave her a hug goodbye and left. On my way out the door I noticed that D had cut the cables on her 2 Nintendo controllers. Wow.

I leave, get on the N train and headed back to my apartment in Queens which took maybe 45 minutes. D is there and we start talking and laughing about the night. Then I get a phone call from her while we’re standing there talking. Oh fuck. I pick up expecting the worst.

Me: Hey what’s up?

Her: Not much. Hey, I wish you had stayed longer. I want to fuck you again. Come back here.

Me: Uhhh well I’m back in Queens already.

Her: Well come back anyway.

Me: I, like, have shit to do today.

Her: Okay, well call me tonight okay? I want to see you again.

Me: Okay sure.

Click. Wow, she still didn’t know. I was just dreading what she was going to say when she found out, and sure enough 20 minutes later I get another call from her, in tears, which for some reason I picked up. At this point in my life in a similar situation I would have just let it ring and spare myself hearing her spaz.

Her: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Me: What are you talking about?

Her: YOU BASTARDS. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO MY APARTMENT.

Me: No really what happened. I wanna know.

Her: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

This kept going for another couple minutes. I genuinely wanted to know what she knew about, because that phone call was inevitably going to happen no matter what she found out about, but chances were she didn’t already know about everything. Eventually I hung up and forgot about it. I felt sorta bad for being involved in totally destroying her life, but at the same time I didn’t actually do it, I just sort of allowed it to happen. And I couldn’t feel all the way bad since this girl, let me remind you, was a total bitch.

Then I did something ignenious. Really, in all my decisions over the course of my entire life, this has to have been one of the smartest and I made it with no prior knowledge of why it would end up being a blessing or anything. But I did it: I went to Boston for 6 days.

Now you’re probably wondering why that was such a great decision. I didn’t go there to avoid problems with this girl. I live in Astoria, she lived in the city, but I had been going to Union nightly and probably would have gone there nightly regardless of not wanting to see her. But I went to Boston to ride with some friends and that ended up being an incredible decision because as soon as I returned to the city I pedaled to Union from the train station and saw my friend, who at the time I barely knew and have since gone on a few trips with and became good friends with. He sees me and says:

Him: Yo. Son. You’re mad fucked up son.

Me: What are you talking about? (I had already forgot about the incident with the girl and it didn’t occur to me that he could have possibly known about it anyway)

Him: Yo that chick told me you took a fucking shit in her fridge son.

Me: Oh nah that wasn’t me it was my roommate. You saw her?

Him: Yeah man she came here every night for the past 5 or 6 days with these 3 big ass Italian niggas.

At this point I remembered that she had mentioned in conversation that her uncle was a cop in Jersey where she was originally from. It was the kind of thing where at the time, I didn’t think twice about it but then as he told the story, started to sound like a really big deal to me.

Me: Really?

Him: Yeah man big steroid ass niggas. She kept asking about you and asked if I had your number and shit but I just told her that I didn’t know you. She said that you drew nazi signs on her walls and shit.

I asked D and he said that he had drawn swazi’s under her paintings on the wall for her to find later. I guess he forgot to mention it before. It definitely wasn’t a hate crime since I have no idea if she was Jewish or not, I think he just wanted to leave something disturbing there for her to discover.

Me: I didn’t know about that. Damn. You didn’t see them here tonight?

Him: No man but if I were you I’d get out of here those dudes seemed pissed and they might come back.

Me: Okay dude thanks.

And that was it. I went home and while I slowly resumed going to Union after that to hang out, I was seriously pretty shocked at how lucky I got. What would those dudes have done to me? At least one was a copy, but would they have bothered to arrest me or would they have just beaten me within an inch of my life? I’m going to assume they probably would have beat me close to my death and then arrested me. As for Brit, I don’t know what happened to her but I never saw her again and someone told me she moved out of that apartment and the city altogether pretty soon after the incident.