Recently I went out on a date with a girl. Eventually the conversation turned to music. She asked what I listened to. I beat around the bush, telling her that lately I had been listening to a lot of Morrissey and The Beatles, but eventually I had to be honest and admit it: I mostly listen to Gucci Mane. She had never even heard of him, but as I spoke on why Gucci had me so captivated, she became more and more interested. She said she was going to check him out, and I quickly told her not to. I told her that Gucci was more than meets the eye. She seemed confused. I told her that I would give her a crash course on the greatness of Mr. La Flare at some point in the future. She laughed and said okay.

She probably didn’t consider that I might actually be serious, but I gave it some thought over the course of the next few days and eventually realized I had so many reasons, all so important, so many songs I needed to mention, so many lyrics I wanted to hone in on, that I needed to put my thoughts down on record so non-fans could understand what has me and so many others captivated by him. So with that, I present to you, Gucci Mane For Dummies which I have arranged into 8 simple bullet points for your reading pleasure.

1) Gucci Mane can rap.

Southern rappers are often pigeonholed as being lyrically simplistic and overwhelmingly focused on luxury, rarely speaking on topics outside the realm of cars, guns, jewelry and drugs. There’s plenty of truth to that stereotype, but much like Jay Z, Gucci is a gifted lyricist even while speaking on tired topics, so gifted he breathes new life into the same old subjects. Very few rappers can make rapping about cocaine exciting in 2010, but he does it constantly even though nobody believes Gucci has actually sold coke at any point in recent memory. We Eat So Many Shrimp has a short blog here detailing how delightful Gucci’s strange vocabulary can be and Noz consistently offers up brilliant breakdowns of Gucci’s lyrics. Search Gucci on Cocaine Blunts for more but start with this one.

2) Gucci Mane makes hits.

I love Joe Budden as a lyricist too, but he hasn’t made a hit record since Pump It Up. Perhaps part of the reason Buddens hasn’t been commercially successful is because he resents his one hit wonder status and writes music for his fans more often than he attempts to rekindle the magic behind his sole hit, but Gucci has no such qualms. Songs like Photoshoot, Wasted and Freaky Gurl have all dominated hip hop radio stations at one time or another even with hardly any traditional label backing. It’s easy to imagine many of his other mixtape bangers (most obvious example: Throw Money) would have become classics had they recieved any attention at all from his label. His guest verses are even more prolific. Can you imagine Mario’s “Break Up” without Gucci? “Gucci Bandana” without Gucci? “Obsessed” without him??? Hip hop nerds may love Gucci, but he can make pop records with the best of them even when his lyrics are far from acceptable to the mainstream.

3) Gucci Mane is hilarious.

Before I even touch on the fact that his lyrics are usually full of knee-slappers, let’s take a look at Gooch on the exterior. Cam’ron may have shocked you by wearing a chain shaped like a stoplight, but I gaurantee you laughed your ass off the first time you laid eyes on Gucci’s iced out Bart Simpson piece (which he immortalized with his song “Iced Out Bart” and paid tribute to when he rapped “Bart Simpson on my neck, on a skateboard, Grandma would prolly rise from the dead, (if she) heard what I paid for it”), which is to ignore all his other ridiculous jewelry. His marble-mouthed drawl makes for a lot of comedic lyrical situations, his ad libs are ingenious (I recall giggling the first time I realized he was actually shouting “BURR” over his lyrics) and the skits that litter his mixtapes are so bad they’re hilarious.

Lyrically, Gucci is even more over the top. I’ll borrow a line/analysis from Pitchfork’s excellent review of Gucci’s album:

“Popping Cris, think that I need Alcohol Anonymous/ 45 in the club, I could kill a hippopotamus.”

There are only so many ways to say “I drink champagne and carry a gun” and Gucci exhausted the most basic ones 10 years ago, but he keeps coming up with more and more bizarre ways to say the same old things, with hilarious results. Another gem:

“Pimping ain’t easy, I’m freezin’, colder than polar bear’s pinky, black and white Lincoln, it’s stanky, colder than a penguin, drankin’, ice cold water in New England”

Although it makes almost no sense, it’s goofy, quirky and this kind of stuff keeps you listening closely to make sure you don’t miss a word.

4) Gucci Mane is real.

Even in the post-50-Cent-mattering climate of 2010 where profoundly un-gangsta rappers like Drake and Kid CuDi rule the day, Gucci’s story is engaging. I believe 50 Cent has sold drugs and beat people up, maybe even commissioned the murder of his would-be assailant, but I doubt he has himself, murdered. Everyone knows Gucci has killed someone because he went to court for it, admitted it and still remained a free man. You can watch a video of Gucci punching a woman in the face on the internet, and even though there’s no video of him badly beating a man with a poolstick, we can be sure it happened since he went to jail for a year for it. His inability to stop smoking weed and taking ecstacy is in a way, tragic, since it keeps getting him locked up, but it’s almost refreshing when compared to 50’s stoic Straight Edge attitude towards drinking and drugs.

5) Gucci Mane puts out a shitload of music.

The guy’s output is staggering. In October he put out 3 mixtapes in a month, over 50 songs worth of original music. And what’s really fucked up is that the shit was good. Many rappers have tried the “put out a shitload of music” approach with varying degrees of success but for Gucci it’s like he’s not trying, he just really makes this much music, and really wants his fans to hear it as soon as possible. I would LOVE to see a full discography of every song he’s put out or been featured on but it’s a lofty goal to say the least.

6) Gucci’s Mane’s crew ain’t half bad either.

Traditionally, great rappers tend to surround themselves with much less talented crews. And this is true in Gucci’s case as well, but Gucci’s main weed carrier OJ Da Juiceman (most famous for his smash hit “Make The Trap Say Aye” which Gucci guest starred on) is such a bizarre human being, with a style that compliment’s Gucci’s so well, that almost every song they do together becomes an instant classic. It’s hard to even describe OJ. He’s a tiny man with a high pitched squeal of a voice whose juvenile raps make Gucci look like Shakespeare himself. Like Young Dro before him, he constantly raps about colors, whether it’s his car, his drugs or his jewelry and tends to repeat phrases over and over in different songs (listen to some of his songs and you’ll no doubt hear a bunch of “Young Juiceman, goddamnit I’m _____”s (it originated here) spoken in the same sing songy style). But his lack of lyricism and ridiculous falsetto just sound so right next to Gucci’s jumbled barritone delivery.

Of course he’s also got Waka Flocka Flame (half of Waka’s appeal is his hysterical name) who’s unique style of crunk/mosh style drug dealing muuuuusiiiiiic is fairly enjoyable (even if you’re not a fan, you’ll no doubt recognize his hit single “O Let’s Do It”, spoiler alert: it’s his best song), Frenchie, a weirdly energetic guy with braids from Queens who rarely wears a shirt and does an oddly great job putting together hooks and Wooh Da Kid who seems like he might have some potential (check out Pressure) despite lacking the flash of OJ or Waka.

7) Gucci Mane is oddly emotional and thoughtful.

Although Gucci rarely raps about topics not related to guns, drugs and excessive spending, when he does, the results are often stellar. For example on “Game” he skims the surface, speaking on the abuse he took from other children for being poor and weird:

“I never had shit nigga, that’s the truth, rich kids in the school use to jones my shoes, name stayed on the board, four checks in chalk, in detention cause the teacher said we can’t talk”

But he really digs deep on “My Own Worst Enemy” off his recent album, where he acknowledged his beefs with Young Jeezy and T.I. and extends an olive branch, which eventually put an end to their longstanding rivalry:

“Me, Jeezy and T.I. share one thing in common, all are poets, role models to young people though at times man we still ignore it, and y’all don’t owe respect to me and I don’t like apologies, just diss me till you satisfied, I swear it doesn’t bother me, sticks and stones will break my bones and bullets wont reflect off me but words and insults only show the World how ya’ll respectin me”

While Gucci may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, he is often surprisingly thoughtful.

Gucci Mane has great beats.

Behind every great rapper, there’s usually a great producer. Gucci is no different. He has a stash of seemingly endless beats courtesy of in-house So Icey producter, Zaytoven and while they’re often similar, they’re rarely boring.

So there you have it. Of course he’s not without his flaws. For every great song, there’s another one that lacks the same spark, although even his most dull songs usually have at least a line or two that make them memorable. His vocals are often difficult to pick apart and understand even for a seasoned listener. And regardless of his crew’s merit, his best verses are often paired with lackluster effors by his weedcarriers. Despite all those things, Gucci is probably the only rapper whose trip to jail leaves me feeling upset. We’ve got another year or so to go where we won’t be hearing any of his music, but in a way that just makes me more excited to see what he’s able to come up with when he returns.