Let’s rewind time back to 2005. I was living in Queens, playing poker full time for a living (there existed a time before The Come Up, shockingly) and due to a series of injuries, was barely riding BMX at all. Another thing I was doing besides playing poker, was meeting girls on Myspace. And then if possible, banging them. So I met this girl named Jaci. She lived in New Jersey and went to school in Manhattan. She was kinda cute. She was really short, maybe like 5′2” but she had a pretty face. She wasn’t fat but she was sort of “stumpy”, like she just sort of had a weirdly thick build. Which was weird, because she told me she was a personal trainer at a gym in New Jersey. But I have seen some people in pretty horrible shape work at personal trainers before, so whatever.

Oh and she was a hardcore chick, which will matter in the story soon. Anyway we talked for a few days on Myspace and then I offered to meet her in the city after school one day. She said she had to go in to SVA to do some stuff on a Saturday morning but that she’d be down to hang out after. So I went there and met her and we ended up walking around Manhattan for a few hours talking and I think I bought some CD’s or something (this was 2005, CD’s still existed then). We hung out again a few days later and ended up back at my apartment. This is where it gets a little weird:

We start messing around. Kissing, breast touching, all that shit. One thing in particular that I remember was that she had this really irritated patch on her hip from her belt buckle. She said she has allergic reactions to metal (really? metal?) and that it wasn’t that big a deal. I found myself wondering why she didn’t get a belt buckle made out of something besides metal or a belt that used some other locking mechanism. Regardless, she was weird to mess around with because she wouldn’t really make any moves on me. Like she was letting me touch her all over and was making out with me the whole time, but she didn’t seem like she was really enjoying it all that much. How much a woman enjoys sexual activity is usually not highly correlated to how much fun I’m having though, so I didn’t give it much thought.

So we started having sex. I strapped a condom on and put it in. I have had sex with girls with tight vaginas before, but this was different. This was like the tightest vag known to man, it was like it was carved out of fucking stone. I put it in for maybe 2 minutes and she seemed like she was kinda enjoying it, but she still seemed kinda indifferent. I slowed down and asked her “are you sure you want to be doing this?” And she said “yeah” but she seemed like she wasn’t into it so I stopped and we kinda laid around messing around for a while longer. No nut was blown. I walked her to the train and although it was kind awkward, I didn’t think it was too big a deal.

We hung out again a week or so later (I’m giving more detail than you’ll need to understand this story but I want to make this complete), which consisted of her taking the PATH train in from Jersey, watching some movie with me and falling asleep in my bed for a while (no sex was had). She asked me what train to take to get home while I was sleeping and I muttered “just take the R train towards the city”, forgetting that the R train wasn’t running late night at the time. She sat there waiting for the train for over an hour before realizing while I slept comfortably. Pwned.

The final time we hung out she came over my place in the middle of the day on a weekend about a week later after she did something at school. We hung out for a while and got food I think, then had sex again. This time the sex was more official than the first time and she seemed more into it. Ejaculate was produced. She had to go after that so I walked her to the train.

We continued to talk over the course of the next few months via AIM, Myspace and even publicly on the B9 Board. At some point she began dating a dude who posts on B9 named “Lumbergh” (that’s his messageboard name, not his real name) and we ceased communication. Which was fine with me since I was over it, but at one point Lumbergh said something to me in a thread on the B9 like “I’d like to knock your fucking teeth out”. Now, to be sure, a lot of people have experienced feelings of anger towards me due to my antics on that board in 2003-2005, so I didn’t do any detective work to figure out why he would feel that way.

Fast forward a few more months. I was hanging out with another girl named Katie who knew Lumbergh. I mentioned that he apparently had some problem with me, and she said that she would talk to him and find out why. She asked him, and he said that Jaci had told him that I had raped her. Apparently she told a lot of other people about this too. Lumbergh had just stopped dating her, and told Katie that he felt bad about threatening me and after getting to know Jaci, no longer believed her. I decided to confront this girl head on (or as head on as you can confront someone on the internet) by posting a thread on B9 entitled, infamously, “attn: stay_gold” (I probably should have mentioned this earlier but that was her name on the board, it would later lead to many jokes such as “stay_raped”).

I basically laid out my whole position, which was that her and I had had consensual sex and that no rape took place. I asked her what reasoning she could have possibly had for making such a harmful accusation? Was she trying to impress her boyfriend? Did she feel guilty about having what she may have considered promiscuous sex with me? I just wanted to know.

Of course, the whole board exploded since her and I were both well known posters at the time. Everyone wanted to hear her side of the story and the pages racked up quickly. I think around page 20 she finally entered the thread posting her full side of the story, which was entirely fabricated and culminated with a quote something like:

“You can all make jokes about this all you want, but you don’t know what it’s like to have a guy as big as Adam on top of you refusing to take no for an answer”

My mind was blown. I re-thought the times we had hung out over and over. Was there something I had missed here? Did I somehow rape her without knowing??? Obviously that’s impossible, but her story about the supposed rape was so in depth that it had me second guessing my actions, trying to figure out if there was any time where anything I did with her could have been construed as inappropriate in any context.

Aside from my own confidence in my innocence, I had a few things on my side (everyone on the board was rallying behind me anyway because I was in-real-life friends with so many posters on the board):

1) I had started the thread. If I had really committed the rape, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to draw attention to the rumors she had started.

2) Testimony by at least 3 girls who posted on the board who had had intercourse with me, that I hadn’t done anything inappropriate in my time spent hanging out with them.

3) Numerous male posters who had dealt with Jaci in the past posted claiming that she was a pathological liar and constantly made things up for attention or otherwise. A few mentioned stories of her accusing other guys of raping her.

4) Links were posted to threads in which Jaci and I engaged in friendly banter on the messageboard after the supposed rapes took place. Granted, the behavior of a woman after being sexually assaulted isn’t exactly predictable, but most readers refused to believe she would have light hearted conversations in a public forum after being raped.

5) Lumbergh posted claiming that Jaci was, once again, a liar, and claimed that she had engaged him in a bizarre web of lies ultimately culminating in her driving 8 hours to another state to have sex with another male poster from the board (this is all sounding a little bit incestuous isn’t it?) behind his back.

6) I repeatedly request that Jaci report to the nearest police station and report that I raped her. Rapists belong in jail right? Of course many rapes go un-reported, but I was confident enough in my innocent to repeatedly request that she report me, which may have made me seem even more credible.

7) My roommate at the time had been home on both occasions that we had sex, and his room was located adjacent to mine. He posted stating that he could attest to there being no noises that would indicate anything non-consensual occured.

Ultimately nobody took her side… even her real life friends seemed unwilling to vouch for her sanity. Jaci, who had previously been a frequent poster on the board never posted again. Many people since have told me that they have seen her at shows in the area, but I personally haven’t ran into her although I’m not sure I would know what to say to her if I did see her after all these years. Anyway, for most men, being falsely accused of rape is a horrible experience that can ruin their reputation, cost them thousands in legal fees and may land them in jail, but for me I would have to say that it was overall a very positive experience. Viva la fake rape.

Fun side note: After the supposed rape took place, Jaci became a Red Bull girl and I saw pictures on Edwin, Vinnie and Lil Jeff’s Myspaces of them partying with her at that Red Bull street contest in Jersey a few years ago.

As a heterosexual male, I thought this was cool. The thing is, she said she lived in Ohio. She repeatedly asked me if I would be in Ohio any time soon, and I said definitely not, I’ve never been there and going to that arctic tundra of a state during the Winter months doesn’t sound fun. She seemed bummed and said she goes to NYC sometimes, so maybe we would hang out soon. I said okay. But the texts didn’t stop. She kept hitting me up, sending me more and more photos (no n00dz, sorry) and saying more and more graphic sexual stuff. She also made it clear that she really didn’t like me that much, and didn’t understand why I “get so much ass” (her words). She would always ask me to send pictures of my dick (GTFO) and wanted me to sext with her. I definitely don’t take dick pics, and sexting is just stupid, so she got pretty frustrated.

A few days later, I left for San Diego. I had texted back and forth a little bit with this chick (who for the record, referred to herself as Selena Rosati), but nothing too crazy. Really why would I bother texting a girl who I’m not going to get to hang out with for 4 months minimum, regardless of how hot she is? She clearly sensed that I wasn’t that interested, and that seemed to bother her.

So she calls me once I’ve been in SD for a couple days and tells me that she has a friend in LA with courtside Lakers tickets, and that she wants to fly into LA, pick me up in SD (a 2 hour drive), then bring me back to LA to go to this Lakers game. I give absolutely no fucks about basketball, but I know that typically the dudes who sit courtside are Jay Z, Spike Lee and uh, actual pro basketball players, so I was down. I asked how the hell she had enough money to fly to LA on 2 days notice for no reason, and she said that her trust fund had just come in and that she was just really eager to see me. How could I argue with that?

Finally, on Wednesday she flys in to LA. She texted me as soon as she landed and said that she was going to go to her ex-boyfriend’s house to borrow his car. I was like “your ex-boyfriend lets you borrow his car to drive hundreds of miles to hang out with other dudes?” and she more or less just said “yeah”. Fair enough. But then all of a sudden, one of my texts went un-answered. And then it’s 5 PM and she still hasn’t let me know that she’s driving to SD. I text her again asking if she’s coming and she doesn’t respond. Weird. She texts me later that night and just says “I’m drunk”. I definitely thought this was a weird set of events, but whatever.

Thursday was the day of the supposed Lakers game. I woke up to a text that said “get up lazy, you’re going to the Lakers game with me”. I responded “okay, come get me”, to which she responded “I will, I’m shopping right now”. I texted something back and she didn’t respond. Then she texts me again late that night telling me how great the Lakers game was, and letting me know she sat next to Jack Nicholson. She even posted a picture of her feet on the Lakers court. She also said she was coming to San Diego to throw a big party at her friend’s mansion on Friday, so even though she had so far fucked up 2 planned hang out’s in a row, I figured that she would be in SD the next day, so all I’d have to do was get the address and get Kyle or Hoang to drive over, so we would finally hang out despite what a flake she was being. I told all my friends in SD about the planned mansion party and they were all super excited to rage with a bunch of hot, rich drunk girls, drink their beer and probably steal their purses.

Friday rolls around and it’s raining. We all spent the day sitting around watching movies, smoking weed and awaiting this party. This time she didn’t stop answering my texts, she just was really weird and vague and wouldn’t tell me where she was partying. I can’t even begin to describe how bummed this made Kyle Hart. He wanted nothing more than to go rage at this girl’s party and cause mayhem, but instead due to a combination of this chick’s flakiness and the rain, we ended up all sleeping by 1 AM.

At this point, I was over it. If she wanted to come to me, I probably would have hung out with her, but I wasn’t going to put any more effort into it. The next day was the weed cookie story that I wrote about earlier, so I was KO’ed for a large part of the day, but I woke up to a text from her that said “I better see you before I leave California”. I didn’t respond. It would be the last time we exchanged words.

I got home to NYC a few days later and despite having a full day’s work ahead of me, managed to sneak in an hour nap. I awoke to a text from my roommate saying simply “dude, you have to read the B9 board right now”. I typically only read the B9er when I’m incredibly bored, which isn’t often, so I asked why, and he specified one thread in particular. It was already 20 pages long (which is really long) and I read the first couple pages. The issue at hand was that one dude who posts on the board had been talking to a girl for a while who he met on B9 and that he basically had concluded based on a bunch of evidence and failed attempts to hang out with her, that she didn’t really exist and was a girl pretending to be someone she wasn’t, using another girl’s photos to lead him and a few other male posters on. I asked my roommate why this was relevant to me and he told met to skip to page 10.

I wish I had saved it, but a guy I know a little bit named Dan had written a long post about Selena describing how he talked to her on Facebook for over a year, racked up a 2000 dollar phone bill talking to her and wasted hours and hours of his band’s time while they were on tour driving from place to place attempting to meet up with her. Even after he stopped talking to her, he said that dudes he would meet on tour would come up to him and let him know that they were talking to his ex-girlfriend and that they hoped he was cool with it.

Holy shit. It all made so much sense. A bunch of other dudes had all been led on in the same way, and we all began to share stories about the things that she had told us (one dude told me that she had talked about me a ton and told him that I was a loser for refusing to send dick pictures or sext with her, lol). I immediately went to look at her Facebook. It was deleted. She had sent me a Photobucket link full of photos of her. That too was deleted.

By the time I had time to read the thread again (it had reached close to 30 pages at one point) it was already deleted by one of the B9 mods, not sure why. I’m also not sure how to end this story. I guess what I’m most curious about is what this girl’s motivation is in doing stuff like this. Does she get off on pretending to be a rich, high class, globe-trotting trust fund kid? Does she enjoy being able to socialize with guys who probably wouldn’t give her the time of day otherwise? Is it just some sick mission to get dick pics out of dudes in bands? I’m not sure, and chances are we’ll never know.

One thing that I’d never tried until this trip, was eating weed. I know a lot of people who have done it and always heard that it was pretty intense. There’s a dude in SD who I will affectionately refer to as “Brownieman” who makes all kinds of butter, cookies and brownies with weed in them, and by all accounts that shit gets you FUCKED UP. Hoang ate half of a weed cookie early on in the trip and ended up turning a 5 minute drive into a 45 minute mission after getting incredibly lost. Then he fell asleep at a burger joint and when we woke him up, stumbled around on the strip, then started puking all over the street. Then he slept for 16 hours.

One thing I’m a fan of, is sushi. We went to a really good sushi place out there called Sushi Deli and I told Hoang we definitely needed to hit it up a second time later in the trip. After a riding session towards the end of the trip, I figured that weed makes me hungry, and we were going to the sushi spot, so why not eat half a weed cookie like Hoang had done? I weigh probably about twice as much as Hoang, so I figured I would be alright. Brownieman happened to be with us and he hooked it up. The cookie honestly tasted pretty bad. Imagine a sugar cookie that was cooked with a big pile of grass inside it and that describes what the cookie both looked and tasted like.

About 20 minutes after I ate the cookie, I started to feel it kicking in. We got to the sushi spot and by the time I ordered, I was seriously fucked. My whole body was tingling. You know how your head kinda tingles when you smoke weed normally? My whole body was like that and it was seriously fucking with me. When my food came, I dug in but I wasn’t even really that hungry, my whole body felt so fucking weird that I could barely enjoy the food. I remember thinking over and over that sushi is one of the craziest tasting foods ever, which is true, but it seemed extra true under the spell of the cookie. I was seriously dreading having to get up and leave the restaurant.

But eventually I had to, and I made it out fine. Hoang had to go study for a final, so we went with Brownieman to a hot tub spot he knew of where we could chill out. I sat in the back of his truck with Alex sitting in the front. There was some music playing, and it seriously put me into a trance. I was borderline passed out while sitting up and then all of a sudden, with no warning

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

I puked up every last bit of sushi all over Brownieman’s car. He was freaking out yelling at me “Holy fuck dude, open the door, puke out the door!” and I remember saying “I’M GOING TO FALL OUT OF THE CAR IF I DO THAT” (which was probably true since I really had almost no control over my body at that point). He pulled over and I stumbled out of the car. Alex lost his sense of smell a year or so ago when he was in a coma, so Brownieman had him pull out the floor mat that was covered in sushi. Alex described it was “a gigantic loogie with rice inside of it”. They decided after that to skip the hot tubs and went to Christian’s house, while I slept for 3 hours sitting up in Brownieman’s car. I ended up giving Brownieman 70 dollars to have his car detailed, but I got the cookie for free, so it wasn’t a total wash.

I felt high as fuck the entire next day too. It was seriously pretty horrible. I might try it again some time, but I’d want to eat less than I did that time (or at least space it out over the course of a night) and I’d definitely want to do it in a more comfortable environment, I’m sure that the motion of the car had a lot to do with me puking. Also to put Alex Platt’s weed tolerance into perspective, he ate 2 cookies (4x more than I ate) and described himself as “a little high”.

In standard Alex Platt form (I love him to death but he really doesn’t know when to shut up) he said something else to Frank and Frank stepped past me and yelled in Alex’s face and then grabbed his cigarette out of his mouth. It was obvious this situation was going to get physical so I lifted my bike up over my head holding my seat and the crossbar and smashed it down on his head. I wasn’t really excited to see this situation turn physical, but y’know, whatever. His beer went flying everywhere and in one fell swoop, Frank’s 3 friends all ran up on us. None of them started throwing punches immediately, but none of the dudes I was with seemed to mind… Hoang lifted his bike and smashed it on a dude, Kyle Hart knocked one of the dudes onto the ground and started punching him more while the guy laid on the ground, Chris Hervan started smashing some dude in the face… I ran 10 feet away towards my bag to put the camera in it, then kicked one of the dudes in the chin.

Frank was visibly shaken from the peg that hit him in the head so he grabbed Hoang’s bike and started to walk away like he was going to steal it. We all started to swarm towards him so he just dropped it. I grabbed a couple bikes and took off towards the car and started strapping them on the bike rack. Kyle then informed me that one of the dudes had a knife out when they ran up on us, which I didn’t see, and we hadn’t even wanted to get into a fight in the first place so I wanted to get out of there ASAP before it got worse or the cops came (also Frank had gotten on his phone and screamed “THE CRIP CAR IS COMING” which sounded unpleasant). Fortunately by that point everyone except Frank had relented and walked back towards their bench anyway. Frank stood there and berated us, all while shaking and looking visibly injured. He kept saying “that’s why y’all niggas are fucked up, because y’all don’t have no respect”. He even said “that’s why Osama hates y’all so much”, which is so mind blowing I can’t even begin to analyze it, I’m pretty sure Osama hates white BMXers as much as he hates poor black alcoholics, but I might be wrong.

Someone asked us after if we “beat them up” and I wasn’t sure what to say. None of us got hurt (I actually jammed my finger at some point during the situation, I’m not really sure how), and we definitely hurt them, but we also left while things were still going well. So it wasn’t exactly an all out beat down, but it definitely went pretty well all things considered, especially considering one of them had a knife. I also thinks this marks the first time I’ve ever hit a black person, and if my memory serves me correctly, it’s the first time I’ve ever hit any non-white person.

Allow me to explain these girls. The first one, Ashley, who I had met online, had a smoking body. Really good body, there’s no denying that. Very thin, B cups, she was dressed pretty well. Her face was sort of questionable. I wouldn’t call her ugly, but she wasn’t exactly pretty either. She had a weird chin to be honest. I mean not super weird, but kinda weird. I’d post a Facebook picture of her but she already deleted me.

Her friend was hot though. I can’t remember her name so I’ll just refer to her as Rapunzel. She was insanely skinny, like legitimately one of the skinniest girls I’ve ever seen, but she still had pretty decent sized breasts. Her face was pretty. Her hair was cute and she had tattoos and piercings, which is fine, except she had one piercing that was a HUGE plug the size of a bottle cap under her lip. I am sort of indifferent towards piercings but this thing was seriously huge. Regardless, she was hot enough that I would have eaten her shit given the chance.

Anyway they pick us up and it’s pretty awkward right from the start because they aren’t talking and seemingly have no personalities. They are both vegan and Straight Edge. Which is alright I guess, but typically alcohol and drugs help bring people to life a little bit. These girls probably could have injested 10 8 balls and still would have been boring as fuck. Fortunately we ran over a skunk 5 minutes after hitting the road and the entire car started to smell super bad which was hilarious. They had to pull over and they bought a bunch of air fresheners to deal with the scent, which went away pretty quickly. We all smoked a joint that Alex already had rolled while they bought the air fresheners, and the girls were clearly not impressed. The entire situation would have been fucking horrible if Kyle wasn’t cracking jokes a mile a minute the whole time.

We went to their house and proceeded to be really, really bored for about 20 minutes. Then Kyle luckily suggested we go to the store to get beer. The girls seemed reluctant to even have beer in their house (seriously? SERIOUSLY?) and claimed nobody had ever drank alcohol in their apartment before (what planet am I on again?) but walked with us to a CVS. Kyle and Alex bought a bottle of cheap vodka and I bought a 12 pack of PBR’s, then we walked back. We all went to work. Alex and Kyle were going back and forth slamming shots of the vodka, all while sipping on beers. I only drank like 6 beers, but I did so within the span of like 50 minutes, so I was feeling pretty good too. The girls put in a Seinfeld DVD (which apparently is how you party when you’re Edge, vegan and have no soul) which was at least slightly entertaining, but we were seriously over it and all pretty fucked up within an hour. We all went outside so Alex and Kyle could smoke cigarettes, and pretty soon we brought up the idea of them driving us home. Reluctantly, they did so.

On the way home we figured we might as well go for the gold, so we all cracked beers and started smoking weed in the backseat with the windows up. Amazingly we smoked a spliff in the backseat, a foot and a half away from them for like 2 or 3 full minutes before they even noticed. Then they noticed the open beers and got even more upset. By that point we were almost home. As we unloaded out of the car, I said goodbye to the girls and half heartedly told them we should hang out again, before Alex decided to stop being polite and start getting real. I think his quote went something like this:

“Girl in the drivers seat with the tattoos… you’re cool. Honestly, you seem like a nice person. But you… blonde girl. You fucking suck. You are the most miserable person I’ve ever met in my life, I hope you die you fucking cunt”.

The way he said it was seriously beautiful. He was just so sincere, and I think we all agreed that the world would be a better place if this girl, did, in fact die in a fire.

The fact that Alex said that was pretty funny, but how she responded was even better. She took her seat belt off, winded up, and punched Alex as hard as she could in the arm! It was so fucking funny. I mean she was a 130 pound girl (at most) so it didn’t hurt him, but just seeing her get that fucking mad was seriously amazing. Alex laughed and got out of the car and we stumbled into Hoang’s house and went to bed. Ashley, the assailant, texted me later telling me Alex was a dick and asking if I wanted to hang out the next day. I said “to be honest, none of us liked you at all. We’d chill with your friend though“. She responded something like “fuck you” and that was the end of it.